My new license plate:
And, in the spirit of lighthearted regional stereotyping, I will share with you notes and advice for people from other parts of the country who've moved to the South, transcribed from the Message of the President of the Newcomers Club of New Bern in the February newsletter:
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a pick-up truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
- Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Save bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way.
- If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything or not; you just have to go there.
- Don't be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, and that they are proficient sharpshooters. Their mammas taught them how to aim.
- If you move to the South from elsewhere, settle down, and have chilren there, don't think we'll accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna calll 'em biscuits.
Come to think of it, much of that applies to parts of Western Massachusetts, eh?
I reckon my fear of Southerners with shotguns is well-founded. Excellent license plate. Try to stay out of ditches.
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